Overcoming Self-Sabotage

A Gentle Guide on How to Stop Getting in Your Own Way

Do you ever feel like you’re the one getting in your own way? You set an intention or a goal, feel motivated for a moment, then find yourself procrastinating, overthinking, or talking yourself out of even getting started. 

Maybe you hear that familiar voice in your head saying, “Who do you think you are?” or “You’ll only mess it up anyway.”

That is self-sabotage. It can quietly hold you back from the progress, joy, and fulfilment you’re craving.

As a life coach, I’ve been there too. I’ve experienced firsthand how clever and convincing self-sabotage can be, and how much it can impact confidence, relationships, career choices, and overall well-being.

The good news is, with the right tools, mindset, and support, you can learn to notice these patterns, understand why they show up, and choose something different. This is work I’m deeply passionate about doing with my clients.

In this blog, we’ll explore what self-sabotage really is, why it happens, and how you can start breaking free from these limiting behaviours so you can move forwards. 

What Is Self-Sabotage?

Self sabotage refers to behaviours or thoughts that are harmful to our own interests or development, especially of an involuntary or unconscious nature. 

It shows up as actions or patterns of thinking that undermine your goals, progress, or happiness. Often it comes from deep-rooted fears, insecurities, or past experiences that still shape how you think and behave today.

It can feel like you have a whole team of inner critics in your head. They whisper negative thoughts, point out your flaws, replay past mistakes, warn you about everything that could go wrong, and sometimes wake you up at 3am with worry.

Those voices are your saboteurs. Saboteurs are automated patterns in your mind for how to think, feel, and respond. When they are left to run the show, they can erode your self-esteem and confidence, and fuel stress, anxiety, frustration, restlessness, and unhappiness.

Self-sabotage can look different for everyone. The first step in changing it, is recognising it for what it is.

Do any of these sound familiar?

• Procrastination: Putting off important tasks or goals, especially when you are afraid of failing or feel you have to do things perfectly.

• Negative self-talk: Constantly doubting your abilities or telling yourself you are not good enough.

• Avoidance: Dodging opportunities that could benefit you. Or avoiding difficult tasks and uncomfortable conversations by distracting yourself or procrastinating.

• People-pleasing: Saying yes when you want to say no. Putting others’ needs first, rescuing or over-helping, and struggling to hold boundaries.

• Restlessness: Constantly chasing the next thing. Finding it hard to slow down, be present, or feel content with where you are right now.

• Self-doubt: Questioning your worth or capabilities, even when you have already proven you can do the hard things.

If you recognise yourself in any of these, you are not alone. And it does not mean you are broken. It just means there are some saboteurs at play that you can start to work with.

Why Do We Self-Sabotage?

If self-sabotage is so painful, why do we keep doing it? It is because a part of you is trying to protect you. Just not always in a helpful way.

Here are some of the reasons self-sabotage shows up…

Past experiences

Childhood experiences, trauma, or early disappointments can shape the way you see yourself and the world. You might have learned that it was safer not to stand out, not to ask for too much, or not to risk failing. Those old patterns can still be running in the background now. They can hold you back from moving forwards, even when your adult self is ready for so much more.

Fear of failure

If you are afraid of failing, it can feel easier not to try at all. Procrastination, perfectionism, or endlessly “preparing” can be clever ways of avoiding the risk of getting it wrong. On the surface it looks like you are stuck. Underneath, your system is trying to keep you safe from disappointment, shame, or judgment.

Fear of success

This one can feel surprising at first. Success can bring change, visibility, and new expectations. A part of you might worry that if things go well, people will expect more from you. Or that you will not be able to keep it up. So you slow yourself down or shrink yourself just enough to stay in what feels familiar.

Staying in your comfort zone

Our brains love the familiar. Even if the familiar is not particularly happy. Change takes energy, courage, and uncertainty. Self-sabotage often appears when you are stretching beyond your comfort zone. It pulls you back to what feels known. Even if that “known” place is keeping you stuck.

Old stories about your worth

If you carry beliefs like “I am not good enough”, “I always mess things up”, or “Good things do not last for me”, your brain will look for ways to prove those stories true. You might turn down opportunities, stay in relationships or jobs that drain you, or talk yourself out of things you deeply want. Not because you do not care. But because a deeper belief is running the show.

Overactive inner critics

Those saboteur voices you met earlier are often loudest when you are growing. They tell you you are not ready, not qualified, not capable. Their intention is usually to protect you from risk or rejection. The impact is that they chip away at your confidence and keep you playing small.

How to Overcome Self-Sabotage

Breaking free from self-sabotage is possible. It starts with awareness and self-compassion. You cannot shift patterns that you shame yourself for. But you can change them once you begin to notice them with curiosity.

Here are some ways to start…

Discover your saboteurs

You cannot work with an adversary you cannot see. Your saboteurs often become invisible inhabitants of your mind. So the first step is to spot them. I like to call this step “blowing their cover”.

Together, we look at which saboteurs are most active in you and how they are playing out in your life. We start to notice the patterns. The stories. The triggers. This can be a really eye-opening experience. I often hear clients say, “Oh yes. That explains so much.” It is like finally seeing the script your brain has been secretly working from. No wonder it has been exhausting!!

This new level of awareness gives you choice. Once you can see your saboteurs clearly, you can begin to decide whether you want to keep listening to them or try something different.

Create a pause

Self-sabotage loves autopilot. The more rushed, overwhelmed, or reactive you feel, the easier it is to slip back into old patterns.

So an important step is learning to pause. To notice when you are procrastinating, people-pleasing, overworking, or talking yourself out of something. Even a simple “Oh, this might be my saboteur speaking” can create just enough space for a different response. I sometimes invite clients to say a quick internal “thank you, but I have got this” to that voice. 

Challenge your beliefs

Self-sabotage is often rooted in limiting beliefs. Thoughts like “I am not ready”, “I will mess it up”, or “I do not deserve this” can feel very convincing.

When you notice these thoughts, you can gently question them. Ask yourself:

• “Is this belief actually true?”

• “What evidence do I have that it is true?”

• “What evidence do I have that it is not true?”

• “If a friend said this about themselves, what would I say to them?”

You are not trying to force yourself into fake positivity. You are simply opening up space for a more balanced, truthful perspective.

Take small, kind steps

Big, dramatic changes are not always realistic. And they can trigger your saboteurs even more. Instead, focus on small, doable steps that move you in the direction you want to go.

Ask. “What is one tiny action I can take today that supports the version of me I am becoming?” Then do just that. Over time, these small acts start to build trust in yourself. Your nervous system learns that change is safe.

Get support

Self-sabotage can feel sneaky and stubborn.
One minute you are full of good intentions, the next you are deep in the snack cupboard, doom scrolling your phone and wondering what happened to your plan.

If you recognise yourself in any of this, you are not alone. Having saboteurs does not mean you are failing at life, it means you are human. These patterns were learned over time. and with awareness, kindness, and support, they can be unlearned too.

You do not have to figure it all out by yourself. If you would like a space to gently untangle these patterns, get curious about what is really going on, and start creating change, this is exactly the work I do with clients.

If that resonates, you are very welcome to reach out and explore what it might look like for us to work together. No pressure, just a conversation and a chance to see whether it feels like the right support for you.